It Just Was (A Birthday Reflection)

 It Just Was (A Birthday Reflection) 

A birthday reflection on peace, presence, and the quiet miracle of enoughness

By Kristi Cruise

Usually, my birthday feels fragile — the kind of day where any tiny thing can send me into tears, and considering how clunky life is, that means tears on my birthday most years.  There’s always been this quiet pressure underneath it all: to feel celebrated, to feel seen, to make the day special without having to plan too much myself and without crying.

But this year was different. It wasn’t perfect, obviously. There was a 4-hour stretch of morning chaos where nothing went right, and I was definitely NOT sleeping in. There were last-minute cancellations to my birthday happy hour, mix-ups, and all the usual things that could’ve thrown me. But I didn’t flinch. I felt calm, grounded, and steady — as if all of my healing work from the last 30 years had finally integrated. And best of all, I felt all the birthday love. All day long. I felt all of it, that love that was there that you often don't notice because you are often drowning in wine. 

And maybe the most surprising part of all — I had just one and a half glasses of wine. That’s it. No effort, no inner negotiation, no “should I or shouldn’t I.” I just stopped. That was it. Not because I was trying to be disciplined, but because I didn’t need more.

It wasn’t resistance. It wasn’t controlled.
It was... peace.

I didn’t know that was possible — and it just was.

That, to me, is the quiet miracle of healing. When all the practices, all the micro-choices, all the somatic listening finally settle into your cells, and the change you once had to work for starts working for you.

Maybe that’s what birthdays are supposed to mark — not just another year older, but another layer integrated.

I think about Kent, my dear friend who passed away in 2019. I've had 6 more birthdays than him. Six more years to learn, grow, create, integrate, heal. That is a gift in itself and one I do not take lightly. It makes me wonder how spiritually bad-ass and what a good friend and human will be in 5 years, 10 years...

This birthday reminded me what my “one and done” philosophy has quietly become — not a rule or restriction, but a rhythm. It’s about savoring instead of escaping, feeling into enoughness, and letting satisfaction arrive naturally. I didn’t plan it. It’s just where I’ve landed. And maybe that’s how every real practice begins — by living it before you label it.

I could not be more excited to bring it with me into this next year and see what more comes of it. Cheers to being free...

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